Passion and Apathy

Of all the people in the Bible, at the moment I think I identify with, see myself in, and look up to David the most. I've been drawn to reading the Psalms recently, and I love how brutally, gut-wrenching honest he is. There are no pretenses, no empty praises. He was passionate in both his joy and despair. His complete lack of decorum and social protocol as he danced before the Lord makes me yearn for the same abandon for Him. I even think that he heard creation singing, too.

I've come a long way, but I still at times just try to say the right things, rather than drop all my defenses and wrestle with God with what is really going on. David's psalms encourage me to ask the unaskable questions, and to deal with my emotions and feelings honestly, up front, and in light of God's faithfulness and mercy.

I'm pretty appalled at how apathetic and insincere we can be as a generation. I feel like so much is going through the motions and moving our lips. Our lungs blow when we sing, but the breath of our spirit is not in them. What would our lives look like if we actually, truly, and complete loved God with all our heart, all our soul, all our mind, and all our strength? What would Sunday mornings look like? Have we become a people who come near to God with our mouths, yet our hearts are far from him? (Isaiah 29:13)

Issues of Identity

I think I just hit on something that has been bothering me for a while now. Every time I called myself a housewife, something inside me shrieked, hit something, and curled up in the corner to cry. I would like the world to know something:

I am not a housewife.

I do housework, it is true. I enjoy serving my family, having a clean kitchen, and making healthy, tasty meals. But that does not mean I have to find identity in doing those tasks.

If you spend some time at an engineering school (like I did) you may notice that there are engineers, and then there are those who are not engineers. Most of the engineers will have engineering majors, but some of them have humanities majors. Likewise, some students with engineering majors are not engineers. They were taking engineering classes, but that did not make them an engineer. If you've been there, you know what I'm rambling about.

I can sit in a pot of dirt without being a potted plant. Going to church does not make me a Christian. I live in Texas, but I'm not a Texan. (I'm a gypsy, remember?) I do housework, but I reject the notion that I am a housewife.

I am a daughter of God. I am a wife, a mother. I am an artist and musician. I am a free spirit. These are things I am. I refuse to be identified with that messy living room.

I know, this post reveals the lack of age and maturity that I usually try to ignore. With a few exceptions, most of my peers here in Austin are 5-10 years older than I am--that means you've had that much longer to figure yourself out and find peace in your identity. Did you realize I was 19 and had been married for 3 weeks when Robert and I joined Crossroads? Give me some time. I'll catch up, eventually.

Just for Clarification

So, on a number of occasions I have been called a 'hippie'. I like going barefoot, burning incense, wearing different styles of clothes, and dancing. However, I would just like to put it out there that I am not a hippie. If you must call me something, I prefer the term 'gypsy'.

Sure, gypsies were known for picking pockets. But they were also skilled musicians, performers, and they wore awesome clothes, although I admit the hippies were on to something with tie-dyeing. Hippies were known for smoking pot, free love, and huge glasses. Personally, I'd rather be identified with gypsies. Their culture is fascinating without being based on hallucinogens. I am not a fan of most of the music that came out of the hippie era, but I love most gypsy music. Also, having moved frequently in my life (21 times for as many years) I identify with their nomadic lifestyle.

No offense to the hippies out there, but it's just not me.