for something such as motherhood?
What image could capture
such glory and such pain?
What story could convey
the way that you are changed
from that moment when your child
first opens his eyes to see your face?
Perhaps there is nothing that can compare--
nothing that so binds your heart
to another's joy and hurt
nothing that brings you to so burst with pride
or so much menial work.
The endless tasks, the sleepless nights
the constant interruption--
the overpowering, endless flow
of love you've never known.
There's really nothing to describe
the fear of somehow failing them
or the days you feel you can't go on
and yet, somehow you do.
There's something amazing, quite incomparable
about becoming a person's very favorite,
to be the one they turn to
for comfort, in need, for praise--
to know that you, above all others
can fill their heart and body.
No simile exists, not that I can find--
to be a mom, though, I do believe
brings you near to the Divine.
Today is Tiernan's birthday--three years old, if you can believe it. There's something about his birthday; it marks not only his entrance to the world, but a shift in my life, too--the day I entered motherhood.
We will spend the day celebrating him--but now, while everyone else still sleeps, I indulge in celebrating my own milestone of three years of motherhood. It has changed me, deep in my core, in indescribable ways. It's been the hardest and most beautiful journey I can imagine. I had naive hopes that it would all be joy and delight, and there are overwhelming doses of both. But the pain and frustration; the blood, sweat, and tears of motherhood have been very real to me, as well. The constant questioning and self-doubt. Is this what is best? What if I scar them for life? From back when I was pregnant with Tiernan, I knew that this was a child that God loved, somehow, even more passionately than I did. And He has trusted me with caring for him, and now Kestrel as well. I am awed by this responsibility, and pray that He gives me the strength and wisdom to carry through with the task He has set before me.
Thinking about motherhood brings other people I know to mind. I'd like to say something to them.
I know many women whose very heart's cry is to become a mother, but as of yet they have been denied. My heart breaks for you, and I earnestly pray for you. I do not know what else I can do, but if there is something, please, let me know.
I know others who are mothers and are in those times they feel like they can't go on. You also are in my prayers. You are stronger than you think, and becoming even stronger. If you need to vent or pour out your pain, I am here to listen.
I'd also like to thank the mothers who have helped me through this journey, who have listened to me and encouraged and advised me through these years. Especially, (is there a stronger word for that?) my own beautiful mother, who taught me by example what it means to be a mom and has always been there to help in any way she can.
