Happy 10 Months to Tiernan

Today is Tiernan's 10 month birthday. This past week he began tentatively toddling to the point that we feel safe saying that he is offical walking. Crawling is still his preferred mode of locomotion (still faster) but he's definitely improving on his feet. We are so proud of him! He's an absolute blast of a little boy.

My Little Man is growing up!

Passion and Apathy

Of all the people in the Bible, at the moment I think I identify with, see myself in, and look up to David the most. I've been drawn to reading the Psalms recently, and I love how brutally, gut-wrenching honest he is. There are no pretenses, no empty praises. He was passionate in both his joy and despair. His complete lack of decorum and social protocol as he danced before the Lord makes me yearn for the same abandon for Him. I even think that he heard creation singing, too.

I've come a long way, but I still at times just try to say the right things, rather than drop all my defenses and wrestle with God with what is really going on. David's psalms encourage me to ask the unaskable questions, and to deal with my emotions and feelings honestly, up front, and in light of God's faithfulness and mercy.

I'm pretty appalled at how apathetic and insincere we can be as a generation. I feel like so much is going through the motions and moving our lips. Our lungs blow when we sing, but the breath of our spirit is not in them. What would our lives look like if we actually, truly, and complete loved God with all our heart, all our soul, all our mind, and all our strength? What would Sunday mornings look like? Have we become a people who come near to God with our mouths, yet our hearts are far from him? (Isaiah 29:13)

Issues of Identity

I think I just hit on something that has been bothering me for a while now. Every time I called myself a housewife, something inside me shrieked, hit something, and curled up in the corner to cry. I would like the world to know something:

I am not a housewife.

I do housework, it is true. I enjoy serving my family, having a clean kitchen, and making healthy, tasty meals. But that does not mean I have to find identity in doing those tasks.

If you spend some time at an engineering school (like I did) you may notice that there are engineers, and then there are those who are not engineers. Most of the engineers will have engineering majors, but some of them have humanities majors. Likewise, some students with engineering majors are not engineers. They were taking engineering classes, but that did not make them an engineer. If you've been there, you know what I'm rambling about.

I can sit in a pot of dirt without being a potted plant. Going to church does not make me a Christian. I live in Texas, but I'm not a Texan. (I'm a gypsy, remember?) I do housework, but I reject the notion that I am a housewife.

I am a daughter of God. I am a wife, a mother. I am an artist and musician. I am a free spirit. These are things I am. I refuse to be identified with that messy living room.

I know, this post reveals the lack of age and maturity that I usually try to ignore. With a few exceptions, most of my peers here in Austin are 5-10 years older than I am--that means you've had that much longer to figure yourself out and find peace in your identity. Did you realize I was 19 and had been married for 3 weeks when Robert and I joined Crossroads? Give me some time. I'll catch up, eventually.

Father's Day

I have a couple things to say on the subject of fathers, what with it being their day and all. First, I have a wonderful one. I'm pretty sure he's one of the best. His life is an amazing example of following God, working hard, and always figuring out new things. By his side, I learned everything from how to pick the fuzzies from in between my toes as a toddler, to how to ride a bike, use a saw or drill, steer a canoe, design a living space or piece of furniture, print a t-shirt, efficiently organize a task, split and stack a cord of firewood, wire a house, drive a manual, read the Bible, plumb with PVC, chase dreams, mow a lawn, stand up for what you believe in, work diligently, and enjoy nature, to name a few. He took me out on special 'Daddy and Erin Day's and spent time with just me. Dad, you're the greatest, I love you, and thank you for always being there and letting me tag along, even when my 'helping' made the project take longer.

Then there is the father that I am married to. He's a bit newer at the whole thing, but I have to say, I think he's doing a smashing job. I adore watching Robert play with Tiernan--the smiles that brighten up on both of their faces as they interact. He is loving, protective, adventurous, gentle, and intentional. Hubbynunches, you're doing a fantastic job. I love you and look forward to getting old together.

Happy Father's Day.

Whispers

Whispers

Murmur of the stream

In memories

Returning now I see

Hopes fulfilled

Who I was

And a life I'll never live again

Whispers

The sighing of the breeze

The air I breathe

A new life next to me

Dreams begin

Who I am

And how I came to be

Whispers

The horah of the trees

Moving endlessly

Drawing me beyond

All my fears

Who I'll be

When I return to this place

[10.19.09]

The other day I found the scrap of paper this was written on and thought I'd share.

Just for Clarification

So, on a number of occasions I have been called a 'hippie'. I like going barefoot, burning incense, wearing different styles of clothes, and dancing. However, I would just like to put it out there that I am not a hippie. If you must call me something, I prefer the term 'gypsy'.

Sure, gypsies were known for picking pockets. But they were also skilled musicians, performers, and they wore awesome clothes, although I admit the hippies were on to something with tie-dyeing. Hippies were known for smoking pot, free love, and huge glasses. Personally, I'd rather be identified with gypsies. Their culture is fascinating without being based on hallucinogens. I am not a fan of most of the music that came out of the hippie era, but I love most gypsy music. Also, having moved frequently in my life (21 times for as many years) I identify with their nomadic lifestyle.

No offense to the hippies out there, but it's just not me.

A Solution at Last?

Glory and hallelujah, I think we've figured out Tiernan's sleeping problem. Start the drum roll....

His bed isn't comfortable.

In his defense, it is a playpen with a thin, hard little mat. He stopped needing to nurse to resettle, but he still wanted to come to our bed. Once on our mattress, he would curl up and fall right back to sleep. A couple other moms said their babies started sleeping better once they moved to their crib mattress, so we gave it a trial run. We still don't have a crib, though, so we pulled our spare twin mattress up next to our bed and let him sleep on that. He slept soundly and happily, only waking to feed once or twice all night (which has always been usual for him.) We've had two nights of good sleep now, and I am feeling soooo much better. Sleep is a wonderful thing. When we finally figured it out, I thought, "Why didn't you just tell us?!" But then I realized he was trying awfully hard to tell us, and we just weren't comprehending. We need a crib, but I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to shop one out with the paint project in full swing.

His communication skills have become so much better over the last week. He definitely understands a lot of what we say. He will point at things he wants (or just has something to say about), come and tell me when he wants to nurse ("Na-na-na-na!" and pointing if I don't get the picture fast enough...so much for being discrete in public), or go to the door when he wants to go outside. Or if he's fussing, we can start listing options and when we hit the right one, he gets all happy and excited. I love it! It's like having a little friend around all the time.

Peekaboo with Tiernan

Here's a clip of our playtime from yesterday.

Sleep, Parenting, and Love

TK is still not sleeping well, although it seems to be for different though still unknown reasons. He no longer wants to nurse all night, but now he doesn't want to sleep in his bed. I want to say I'm fine and confident that we're making all the right decisions and that things will be fine, but I'm not. I'm indecisive and wondering if I've been doing it wrong all along and what on earth I should do now. There are so many different schools of thought, and I'm not sure which is right for us at this stage. And while several tell you it's not your fault that your baby wakes up frequently, there are a few that have this attitude of "Well, if you'd listened to us, he wouldn't have sleep problems..." and it feels kinda snooty. That's what I don't like. Snootiness. I'm sure your method worked great for you and your babies, but you don't know anything about me and mine, so stop pretending you have a magic cure-all. Okay, now I'm rambling. Probably comes from not sleeping enough.

I love Tiernan. Deeply, strongly, fiercely. So much so, that as I think about the possibility of having future kids, questions burn in my mind: how could I possibly love another child the way I love Tiernan? I know favoritism is wrong, but could I avoid it? Is there room in my heart for another child?

Gotta Love Tiernan...

Couple pics from today that are just too good to not share...

Our little explorer has discovered he can fit into cabinets!

Yet another barricade rendered obsolete...

He really is just too much fun!

Monday Musings

It's a new day, a new week. We had a productive weekend--the weather held out on us, and we got a good deal of painting done. I hope to finish the north side of the house by the end of the week, and we'll probably tackle the south and east sides next weekend. If all continues to go well, we estimate we should be able to finish by the end of the month. Robert was a wonderful man and volunteered to take the hottest parts of the day, so it was only in the high 90s when I was painting. He also took Tiernan and did my weekly grocery shopping for me while I was painting so that I wouldn't have to do that this week. Isn't he amazing?

In Brady's sermon at church, one thing that stood out to me was when he talked about how it is no accident that we are exactly where we are in our stage of life. There have been times that I felt like my life as a housekeeper, wife, and mother in Austin jumped on me while I wasn't looking. Sure, we're living the American dream, but the American dream was never my dream. Yet here I am. My take-away is this: God has placed me here with a purpose, so what am I doing to fulfill that role? Am I being faithful with the time, talents, and treasures he has given me to steward? Am I living in anticipation of Christ's coming, mindful that it could be soon or delayed?

As I think about how I disperse my time, talents, and treasure, I face the issue of finding the balance between giving a task everything I've got and sustainability. I could do a lot more than I am, but I would also burn out and then spend a period of time not doing anything. However, when I am living a sustainable lifestyle balancing missional living, work, fun, and rest, I often feel like I'm slacking. It's true. I could be doing more. But could I keep it up? Probably not. Which is better? Bursts of energy, or consistency? I've done the burst-mode, and right now, I'm swinging the other way to sustainability.

They make it all worth it...

Picture Post

Well, I haven't had more than two consecutive hours of sleep since Sunday, so the muse is focusing more on staying awake than musing much today. So we shall go the easy route and post pictures of a cute baby.

He just figured out how to stack them back on the stick! I'm so proud of him.

He's a snuggly Little Man!

One of his recent hobbies has been moving our shoes. Invariably, one will be in the walkway where you are bound to trip on it, and the other of the pair will be nowhere to be found.

Well, it's not a baby, but it is a trivet I burned a celtic knot into.

This is what I get to see lots of every day! I love it.

Such a happy guy...especially when he has a toothbrush.

Refocus

God is love.

Whoever lives in love

lives in God,

and God in him.

:: 1 John 4:16 ::

Once again, I'm losing focus. It's not about getting this, that, and the other thing done. That's the old legalistic gotta-do-these-things mindset cropping up again. It's way simpler than that. It's abiding in God's love, and letting the rest of the world worry about its own problems. When I am dwelling in Christ, the messy bedroom doesn't bother me as much. Yes, I still need to clean it, but I don't need to feel guilty and like I'm a horrible wife for letting it get that way. When I am abiding in Christ, everything else will fall into place. Goal for the week: Love God. Love people. The End.

The only thing that counts is

faith expressing itself

through love.

:: Galatians 5:6 ::

Dear Tiernan

For you I wanted the very best

To be there for you day and night

But when your wakings kept me from rest

I couldn't care for you the way I should.

Then your daddy took you from my breast

And he held you in his loving arms.

You cried, and so did I.

Painting and Priorities

The house painting has officially begun...and already ground to a halt due to the weather. I did get a couple hours of painting in yesterday while Kristen watched the Little Man. Thanks, Kristen! I am regretting that we did not start the process earlier in the year so the heat wouldn't have been quite so bad, but you live and learn.

I've been thinking a lot about Camp David what with this being their first week of camp and knowing my family is heavily involved. I spent several years working there, though I do question their sanity for letting me be their Support Staff Leader at age 18. It was very challenging--probably one of the hardest summers of my life--but I loved my staff dearly and still think of them often. In retrospect, I think it was too much responsibility for my maturity, although it was a very valuable experience.

I feel like I'm stretched a little thin, and need to spend some time prioritizing and working on making better use of my time. Although we're significantly less busy than most people, we cherish our low-stress life and guard it diligently. Things are a little out of hand, so it's time to bring them back down. Adding the painting on top of everything else will definitely make it more difficult, but we can make it work, I think. Also, being more focused in my time during the day would help, although I find it difficult to stay on task with the many interruptions intrinsic to having a little person around. But I could definitely do better. Maybe finish that tunic, those book shelves, make that wrap, build a crib...oh, and do the laundry. That'd be handy.

Weekend Crazies and Parenting Puzzles

We had a busy weekend, including four different parties of various natures and working in children’s at church. I have to say, Tiernan is a champ. He did fabulously all weekend in spite of of the crazy goings-on and transient naps. Oh, and I have an amazing husband who spoils me. When we went to Lowe’s to buy the paint for the house, he let me pick out another power tool. That’s three since Mother’s Day...now I have a jigsaw, circular saw, and a sander. But let’s not forget the woodburner, too. As for what I have been doing with said tools, here was one of my first projects: a coat rack/shelf for by the garage door.

On a different topic, I recently broke my resolution and went against my better judgement (Robert’s advice) and started to read a baby book. Invariably, it produced the same response as all the others: it a) made me feel like a horrible mother b) confused me beyond reason by contradicting every other book I’ve read and c) contradicted my experience with Tiernan. It insisted that late naps would not interfere with bedtime...except guess who was up until 11:30? Or the cute idea that an earlier bedtime would make the baby sleep later...nope. Not happening. I’m sure it applies to many babies out there, but Tiernan defied just about every point the author made. I’m glad that some mothers find baby books helpful, but they have failed to be helpful for Tiernan so far. (I have exaggerated. There are two that I read while pregnant that were actually helpful. But they dealt more with tiny newborn stage which we are past...)

While the baby book was thoroughly unhelpful, we are still having some issues with Tiernan’s sleep. From time to time he will wake up every two hours all night and refuse to be comforted except by nursing, which kills any chance for a good night’s sleep for me, which in turn makes me cranky and impatient and not up to the demands of motherhood. The book’s suggestions did not seem to apply, but it did get us thinking that perhaps spending some time observing and charting his sleep patterns would give us a better idea what we did need to do, so we’re starting there. We’ll see what happens next.

Matters of Martha and Mary

I was thinking this morning about my role as a wife and mother and all the things I feel like I'm neglecting, not accomplishing, and just how housework is one of those tasks that no matter how good a job you do, you will always have to do it again. It's a little demoralizing to watch your nice clean (I almost wrote 'pristine', but I don't think I've ever achieved that) house disintegrate into shambles before your very eyes in a matter of moments. What happened to all that work? Was it really worth it?

Yet I read Proverbs 31, all about how a good wife looks to the ways of her household, yada yada yada. I'm not living up to everything there. (Of course, it does mention that she had servants...I'm sure that helped.) But then I read the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42, and I get confused. Martha looks like she is doing a whole lot better on the Proverbs 31 list than Mary, but it's not Martha who gets praised by Jesus. It's Mary: the one who sat there and ignored the housework and demands of hospitality. But where would we be without the Marthas? How would people eat? Who would prepare the house for guests? Who would organize events?

I haven't come to any conclusions. All I know is that when I am Mary, I feel guilty for not being Martha, and when I'm Martha, I get frustrated and fed up. Where do I fit in this? How do I maintain a household and be a wife of honor without losing Mary's simple, single-minded devotion?