The Balancing Act of Motherhood

I've been thinking a lot the past few days on motherhood, how various women respond to the role, and what my response is. 

There seems a prevalent tendency in our society for children to be relegated to the back burner of the parent's lives. They are inconvenient draining burdens. Even within the church, as often as people say "children are a blessing", only some live as though they truly believe it.

I am so blessed to be Tiernan's mom. It's not always easy, but he really has blessed us beyond my dreams. I do not want to miss a moment. Yes, there's a lot to do. It's way too easy to get caught up in getting stuff done, whether that is personal interests or careers, or just being a model housekeeper. But I want to do things with him, to watch him grow and learn and discover the world. I have heard far too many parents attest that their child-rearing years passed far too quickly to not believe that it is going to be over before I know it. Twenty years sounds like a lifetime to me, but it's going to pass before I'm ready.

On the day that Tiernan gets in the car and drives away to college or whatever God has for him, I do not want to look back and regret that I did not take the time to enjoy every stage and season I shared with him. I don't want to wonder, "What did I do with my time?" I want to be able to look back on the years and cherish the memories.

Yet at the same time, there is another extreme that I want to avoid. It's the mothers who become so wrapped up in their children that they themselves cease to exist for any other purpose. They become overprotective, clingy, and have trouble letting go once their children mature into adults.

On that day when our youngest child leaves the house and we are officially empty-nesters, I do not want to look in the mirror and realize I have forgotten who I am without my children. I do not want to look across at Robert and wonder who he is or what we are doing together.

I am a mother, and it is a large part of my identity for this season. But it cannot become my sole identity, for it is only a season. That is why I try to take time to nourish our marriage; to work on hobbies like woodworking, art, or music; to be myself without constraint. My role is to actively, presently, and joyously raise my children up and send them out; not to ignore, not to hoard. There is a balance to attain.

Issues of Identity

I think I just hit on something that has been bothering me for a while now. Every time I called myself a housewife, something inside me shrieked, hit something, and curled up in the corner to cry. I would like the world to know something:

I am not a housewife.

I do housework, it is true. I enjoy serving my family, having a clean kitchen, and making healthy, tasty meals. But that does not mean I have to find identity in doing those tasks.

If you spend some time at an engineering school (like I did) you may notice that there are engineers, and then there are those who are not engineers. Most of the engineers will have engineering majors, but some of them have humanities majors. Likewise, some students with engineering majors are not engineers. They were taking engineering classes, but that did not make them an engineer. If you've been there, you know what I'm rambling about.

I can sit in a pot of dirt without being a potted plant. Going to church does not make me a Christian. I live in Texas, but I'm not a Texan. (I'm a gypsy, remember?) I do housework, but I reject the notion that I am a housewife.

I am a daughter of God. I am a wife, a mother. I am an artist and musician. I am a free spirit. These are things I am. I refuse to be identified with that messy living room.

I know, this post reveals the lack of age and maturity that I usually try to ignore. With a few exceptions, most of my peers here in Austin are 5-10 years older than I am--that means you've had that much longer to figure yourself out and find peace in your identity. Did you realize I was 19 and had been married for 3 weeks when Robert and I joined Crossroads? Give me some time. I'll catch up, eventually.

Monday Musings

It's a new day, a new week. We had a productive weekend--the weather held out on us, and we got a good deal of painting done. I hope to finish the north side of the house by the end of the week, and we'll probably tackle the south and east sides next weekend. If all continues to go well, we estimate we should be able to finish by the end of the month. Robert was a wonderful man and volunteered to take the hottest parts of the day, so it was only in the high 90s when I was painting. He also took Tiernan and did my weekly grocery shopping for me while I was painting so that I wouldn't have to do that this week. Isn't he amazing?

In Brady's sermon at church, one thing that stood out to me was when he talked about how it is no accident that we are exactly where we are in our stage of life. There have been times that I felt like my life as a housekeeper, wife, and mother in Austin jumped on me while I wasn't looking. Sure, we're living the American dream, but the American dream was never my dream. Yet here I am. My take-away is this: God has placed me here with a purpose, so what am I doing to fulfill that role? Am I being faithful with the time, talents, and treasures he has given me to steward? Am I living in anticipation of Christ's coming, mindful that it could be soon or delayed?

As I think about how I disperse my time, talents, and treasure, I face the issue of finding the balance between giving a task everything I've got and sustainability. I could do a lot more than I am, but I would also burn out and then spend a period of time not doing anything. However, when I am living a sustainable lifestyle balancing missional living, work, fun, and rest, I often feel like I'm slacking. It's true. I could be doing more. But could I keep it up? Probably not. Which is better? Bursts of energy, or consistency? I've done the burst-mode, and right now, I'm swinging the other way to sustainability.

They make it all worth it...

Matters of Martha and Mary

I was thinking this morning about my role as a wife and mother and all the things I feel like I'm neglecting, not accomplishing, and just how housework is one of those tasks that no matter how good a job you do, you will always have to do it again. It's a little demoralizing to watch your nice clean (I almost wrote 'pristine', but I don't think I've ever achieved that) house disintegrate into shambles before your very eyes in a matter of moments. What happened to all that work? Was it really worth it?

Yet I read Proverbs 31, all about how a good wife looks to the ways of her household, yada yada yada. I'm not living up to everything there. (Of course, it does mention that she had servants...I'm sure that helped.) But then I read the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42, and I get confused. Martha looks like she is doing a whole lot better on the Proverbs 31 list than Mary, but it's not Martha who gets praised by Jesus. It's Mary: the one who sat there and ignored the housework and demands of hospitality. But where would we be without the Marthas? How would people eat? Who would prepare the house for guests? Who would organize events?

I haven't come to any conclusions. All I know is that when I am Mary, I feel guilty for not being Martha, and when I'm Martha, I get frustrated and fed up. Where do I fit in this? How do I maintain a household and be a wife of honor without losing Mary's simple, single-minded devotion?